Then I made it stop.
We are all different and treat life in our unique ways. The way I see it, it is not life that gives us joy or sorrow, it is actually us who decide what comes. I am a firm believer that we are fully responsible for what happens to (for) us.
Yes! I am in charge. No “poor me”, no complaining, no whining. Just action.
Because we are all different, it goes without saying that we engage in unique relationships with food too. Mine was a roller-coaster and allowed me to spend quite a lot of years and effort in trying to figure it out. With time and practice, I had found a pretty respectable balance and I can solidly declare I was eating healthy too. I was enjoying a high raw, mostly vegan, diet and I had reached a point where I could also trust my intuition, so I did not need to stick strictly to a specific meal plan. If I happened to bump into something that was not overtly nourishing but I consciously wanted it, I would just eat it (and I have witnesses). Amen.
I thought I was doing fine. But it was an illusion.
I could not help but think about food all the time.
“Duh! You work with food, no wonder that’s your main thought”, you would say. Good point. Unfortunately, it was not just about the job. And it wasn’t even about cravings for sweets or chips or any specific taste or substance. It was much worse. Food was my very first thought each and every morning and it would stay with me throughout the whole day, keeping my mind so congested that I could hardly focus on anything else. What to eat? What not to eat? When? Where? With whom? In other words, my obsession was not with the food, rather with the thought of food. Subtle. And sick.
The problem wasn’t just with concentration. The pace of the day was dictated by meal and snack moments, thus influencing all other activities. I used to make up excuses like “It’s no use starting this work now since it’s lunch time in half an hour”. Or “I can’t proceed if I don’t have my coffee/tea/whateverdrink first”. I also had to create tricks to put that obsession at bay in between socially-accepted meal times. Sometimes, frustration was so unbearable that I would just give in, abandon all efforts and vegetate under Netflix hypnosis for hours.
Trust me, it is not a nice feeling. Especially if your heart has big ideas and big plans for yourself and for the world and you watch your days, weeks and months inexorably go by. How do all other people do it? How do they manage to get things done? Why is my mind so weak?
It felt debilitating. And humiliating. So much so this is the first time I confess the real extent of my obsession. Which now I realise was a fully-fledged addiction.
So, what did I do?
Once again, I had to find the solution in my food. What exactly?
As you can rightly assume, thanks to my wannabe healthy diet, I had since long abandoned white sugar. So why was I not yet alright? Because it was not enough. In order to gain back my freedom, I had to give up fructose in both refined and unrefined sugars and establish a couple of rules to help me in the process. It has been proved that fructose creates a lot of chaos in our brain system.
You might argue that eliminating all sugars from my life was extreme. I will respond that being at the mercy of an addiction is not life.
I am so relieved it’s over. I am so happy I have found what was keeping me trapped in that vicious circle. It’s good to be finally free.
I Am Sugarlibre and you can be there too. Stay with me, I’ll meet you on the other side.